Thursday, March 12, 2009

Not Divorced Yet

After nearly 5 months, I'm revisiting my blog and reading what I wrote is making me pretty depressed but at the same time it is empowering because it is written down. You wouldn't believe how much you start blocking out when you are in a relationship like this.

I'm depressed because, I'm not divorced. I'm still married to her. The night I wrote my last entry, I stayed at school overnight. I came home at around 6am because I realized that someone needed to watch our son so she could go to work (because I'm the one that watches him most of the day). I typically dropped him off at her grandparents house 3 or 4 times a week so I could go to school. Anyways, I'm getting side tracked.

When I came home, she was standing at the window of our new house, holding our son. She was crying and very sad. She said she worried that I was dead and she called everyone she knew. I was surprised she took it so seriously. She hugged me and said she never wants to be apart again.

I felt bad for her, so I hugged her back, but I felt numb inside. I just went with it. I really want to be a family, and I don't want to be separated from my son. I really really really try to make this work!

Anyways, there's a ton more I want to write about when I remember. Its all so complex so I'll take it one post at a time. Much of what I write might not be clear because I dont do much editing here, so read slowly if you are following this.